yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
