If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
