My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
