it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
