Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
