who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
