felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
