trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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