What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
