Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
