i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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