i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
