i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
