My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
