Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
