he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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