the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
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Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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