My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
