i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
