I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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