Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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