Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
