I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
