So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
