1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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