I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
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This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
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If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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