We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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