Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
