Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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