I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
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He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
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That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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