Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
