...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Two words: nipple clamps
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