was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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