he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
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You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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