hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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