guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just blew my weed a kiss
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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