I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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