I will die if light touches me.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
