come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
