I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
