I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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