So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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