its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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