I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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