I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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