btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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