I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
