please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
