I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
