I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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