I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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