wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
