I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
