The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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