I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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