Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
